I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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