My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
