I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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