I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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