I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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