just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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