Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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