I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
