i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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