So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
