Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
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