Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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