do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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