He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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