Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
