sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
