Whod you bang
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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