he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
