hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
