i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
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