Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
