Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
