seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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