I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
