I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
