I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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