Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You ruined the universe
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