Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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