Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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