A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
