areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
