i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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