"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
