I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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