You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
please come you make the beer taste better
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
