The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
