So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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