Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Sorry about my life...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
