omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
