Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
