it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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