Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
