I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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