I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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