Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
