Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
