i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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