You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
