Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
