The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Randomize
