Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
