"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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