my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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