Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
