I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
