the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
