So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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