never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
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ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
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YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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