swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
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You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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