My liver just broke up with me...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
