So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
