just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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