I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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